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Jesus Christ’s Enormous 3-Foot Cock

Erotic Jesus

Seriously… WTF! I know Roman Catholics have been accused of idolatry for the past two millennia, but has the Church actually digressed backwards through time as a religion to… phallus worship? Osiris, the fertility god himself, lost his penis to the Nile and nowhere in the Bible does Jesus actually use His. Is the Son of God a eunuch?

Not according to Janet Jaime, an iconographer, who claims it is a standard San Damiano cross, a common Catholic icon or Rev. Philip Seeton of the St. Charles Borromeo Catholic Church in Warr Acres, Oklahoma, who believes the 3-foot penis is actually meant be Jesus’ abdomen “showing distension.” Come on! Seriously?

Look at it! Give yourself permission to gaze upon Jesus’ cock. Take a good, long look. A good, 3-foot-long look at it. Is it or is it not a penis? You can be honest; Jesus’ cock is turning you on (just a little bit). You’ve become wet! Admit it. It’s erect; it’s massive; it’s God-like! It’s not a flaccid 3-foot penis. Oh, no, in that case, it would be knocking around Jesus’ knees hidden underneath that loincloth. It is, in fact, a buried in your belly-button, so rock-hard-it-fucking-hurts erection.Of course it is. Look at it!

Everyone knows what an erect penis looks like. I know Catholic boys live in constant fear of Eternal Damnation hanging over their head every time they pop a boner. I knew what an erection looked like even though I was terrified to even gaze upon it. Bible school teachers called touching it: the sin of Onan. God simply doesn’t allow boys to spill their seed upon the ground or swirling down the shower drain or getting crusty between the couch-cushions; the only God-designated dumping ground for cum is the cunt. Wtf are Catholic boys supposed to do with this fucking erection if they can’t jerk off? All this guilt over a moment of pleasure and promise of an eternity of damnation in the pit. Remember in the immortal words of Monty Python: “Every sperm is sacred.”

Everyone knows what an erection looks like. Even the Virgin Mary knew what an erection looked like. She was married… to a red-blooded Jewish man; even if she didn’t actually fuck her husband. I can hear the conversation now, “Mary, I’m your husband, Joseph. I know you’re the Mother of God. Here He is toddling around my carpenter’s table, and I understand the Ever-Virgin thing you have going on… but seriously, I’m sporting major blue balls here. Can’t I have a little wank?”(Why St. Joseph is all-of-a-sudden British, idk!)

It is conceivable that the priest in question has never seen an erect penis or even had one in his entire life; perhaps his parish doesn’t use altar boys. It is possible he has been impotent since the age of twelve when that terrible lifelong affliction called “the erection” infects all newly pubescent boys. I just can’t understand Catholic priests’ obsession with the cock; whether it is Jesus’ giant 3-foot God-like cock or little boys’ wee-wees. Why can’t the Church be obsessed with pussies. Ever since Original Sin was born when Eve ate the Forbidden Fruit and Adam saw that wild bush betwixt her thighs: that gaping, bleeding wound-of-the-woman, the Church has feared the awesome power of the cunt. Even the Blessed Mary Ever Virgin surely had a beautiful one (she was chosen among women after all); though, according to the Catholic Church, she only used her disposable twat once: to squeeze out the baby Jesus.

Is it satire when sit-com character “pees” on a picture of Jesus to caricaturize the foolishness of idolizing a crying image of Jesus when the tear is actually a drop of urine? Is it ridiculous when Mary’s face appears on a tortilla or a water-stain from a leaking gutter creates an apparent image of Jesus causing rapturous devotion from the most gullible of the believers? People were outraged when an artist paints an image of the Virgin Mary with shit or the painter who paints an image of Jesus on the cross in urine. Where is the outrage? This image of an obvious erect penis hangs in an actual Roman Catholic Church.

But is the 3-foot cock pornographic? Ask any man who has spent his teenage years jonesing for pictures of naked women, is this porn? Without a doubt, it is pornographic. Not even porn-legend John Holmes had such an impressive cock. It looks like Jesus is one of the billion-or-so men who have used Extenze: “The All-Natural Male Enhancement”. Honestly, if you saw a picture of just the supposedly distended abdomen on AdultFriendFinder.com, you’d think, “Jesus, that is a huge cock! I want that dick stretching my asshole.”

The only thing missing from this picture is a glob of jizz on Jesus’ chin. But, of course, the priest will claim it’s not jizz but “the Holy Spirit descending upon the lips of Jesus.”
Note: This was the first blog I intended to publish a few years, but cirCUMstances prevented its publication. Here it is for posterity.

About Ophelia T'Wat

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