Americans are obsessed with sports. I mean clinically obsessed. Like totally fucking OCD about sports. We may not be homicidally obsessed with sports like football fans (or soccer fans to ignorant Americans) in Brazil who murder a player in the streets for scoring an “own goal” in the World Cup. We are so obsessed with sports that it has permeated into our classification of global politics.
President Barack Obama told The New Yorker that Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (or ISIS) was nothing more than minor league:
The analogy we use around here sometimes, and I think is accurate, is if a jayvee team puts on Lakers uniforms that doesn’t make them Kobe Bryant. I think there is a distinction between the capacity and reach of a bin Laden and a network that is actively planning major terrorist plots against the homeland versus jihadists who are engaged in various local power struggles and disputes, often sectarian.
Obama sure got his cock stuck in the pencil-sharpener over that comment. In a world where a “minor league” farm club can rise to be superstar MVPs of global terrorism, it is any wonder that the country has gone bat-shit crazy over the suspension of Tom Brady for the heretical crime of deflating footballs. “[Ted Wells] believe[s] it is unlikely that an equipment assistant and a locker room attendant would deflate game balls without Brady’s knowledge and approval.” Who gives two squirts of owl shit what happened with or without Brady’s knowledge and approval? I fucking don’t.
But didn’t Tom Brady get only a two games suspension for knocking Gisele Bündchen out fucking cold in a Las Vegas casino elevator? [No, that was Ray Rice– editor] Didn’t Tom Brady get suspended for the remainder of the 2014 season without pay on Nov. 18 for beating the shit out of his 4-year-old son? [No, that was Adrian Peterson– editor]
Oh, then Tom Brady only deflated a couple of footballs, which may or may not have had a noticeable effect on the game? [Well, technically, Jim McNally and John Jastremski deflated the footballs– editor] Well, then fuck Tom Brady! Fuck him in the ass with a broken glass dildo! How dare Tom Brady break a rule I didn’t know existed or think was important enough to put in the sacred scripture called the God-damn NFL rulebook?
Are you going to kick Dad out of the house for two days, because he stole money of the bank during a game of Monopoly? He is not only violating the “integrity of the game”, but cheating his own children.
“But a rule is a rule!” you cry.
Fuck you, you pussy.
Sitting bat-shit progressive judges have given child-rapists, who are convicted by a jury of their peers, sentences of just “probation” for crime of raping the children and you’re worried about a millionaire breaking one obscure rule of a God-damn game?
And you, clinically OCD sports fanatics, fuck you! There are more important things in this world than mother-fucking sports. Religious genocide by ISIS? Iran getting the nuclear bomb? Rampant pedophilia amongst Catholic priests?
Speaking of pedophile Catholic priests, when I was having second thoughts about my born-again Atheism, I went to confession and the priest had the mother-fucking audacity to tell me I couldn’t accept Communion in the Catholic Church because I had been married “outside of the church”. I threw in his fucking face the fact that “Catholic priests can rape altar-boys and then be sent from parish to parish to continue raping altar-boys and you’re excommunicating me?”
“You’re not being excommunicated,” the priest reassured me, “you just cannot receive Communion.”
“Define mother-fucking ‘excommunication’, God-damn it! You are denying me Communion with my Lord and Saviour, because I was ‘married’ outside of the God-damn Catholic Church? Fuck you.” And I then stormed out of the stupid fucking confessional. Not my finest fucking hour.
I still don’t give two squirts of sour owl shit about Tom Brady’s suspension. I have more important things to do. Like rub one out to some hot lesbian action.
Published on: May 17, 2015 @ 20:18