And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so. And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good. And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat. And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so. And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day. (Gen 1:34-31)
† 1:20-25 Satan has just discovered Biblical proof of the Theory of Evolution. We will repeat for effect the words of Charles Darwin,
“As many more individuals of each species are born than can possibly survive; and as, consequently, there is a frequently recurring struggle for existence, it follows that any being, if it vary however slightly in any manner profitable to itself, under the complex and sometimes varying conditions of life, will have a better chance of surviving, and thus be naturally selected. From the strong principle of inheritance, any selected variety will tend to propagate its new and modified form… There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.”
How in the love of Sodom is this Biblical teaching? Hear us out before you fling Satan’s Study Bible across the room. Does not Bible here say, And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind? When the Pakicetus, the common(?) ancestor to both hippopotami and whales, returned to the ocean in a semi-aquatic lifestyle, over the ages its evolutionary descendents’ hooves slowly evolved into flippers and their hind-legs slowly evolved together into a tail, and their nostrils slowly evolved into a blow-hole allowing this creature who was no longer of the Order Artiodactyla to be a completely aquatic creature. The whale was created from the Pakicetus after their kind. Sixty-five million years ago, an asteroid impacted the Earth at the Yucatán Peninsula, creating a nuclear winter that would cause the mass extinction of the behemoths– we mean– dinosaurs. This extinction allowed the evolutionary descendents of the Archaeopteryx to flourish as did the mammals. The evolutionary descendents of the Archaeopteryx became every winged fowl after his kind.
† 1:26-28 In the following footnote, Satan is going to outline his Theory of “Evolutionary Creationism”. Here we mother-fucking go! Anthropologists have pondered how humans went from their hunter-gather roots to the early agrarian agricultural culture, to the great explosion of civilizations five to six millennia ago. What caused this? Humans had been slowly evolving from Australopithecus to Homo habilis to Homo erectus, and eventually to modern Homo Sapiens. This process had taken an immense two to five million years to reach modern humans, but in the past six thousand years, humans “evolved” rapidly. Too rapidly to be explained by science. Imagine that on October 28, 4004 BCE, God, after witnessing evolution, saw that the intelligent designs he encoded into the strange computer program called Deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA) had finally come to fruition. Homo sapiens had evolved into his own image, just as the computer program was programed to do. But there was a problem with the computer program. It did not evolve a soul. Homo sapiens may have evolved into his own image, but humans were nothing more an hyper-intelligent animals. Then on October 28, 4004 BCE, in keeping with Bishop Ussher’s surprisingly accurate calculations, God created Man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. God took two Homo sapiens and imparted to them a soul, creating Man, male and female created he them. They were perfect creations, both evolutionarily and Creationally. These two most blessed Homo sapiens would give birth to Cain, Abel, and Seth, imparting to them a soul. When Cain went out from the presence of the Lord, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden. And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch (Gen. 4:16-17). Where did this wife come from? Cain met a female Homo sapiens. The descendents of Cain bore the mark of Cain in that they were not pure Man, but hybrids of Created Man and evolved man. Created Man was perfect genetically, because it was Created entirely by God and did not have evolution to impart errors into the genetics of Created Man. But Created Man could not survive evolutionarily without marrying female Homo sapiens, which caused errors to creep into the perfect genetics of Created Man. This is the very result of the eating of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Eventually, after the flood and the tower of Babel, all traces of the perfect genetics of Created Man would have been diluted to such a degree that the descendents of Created Man would no longer live such long lives.
† 1:29-30 Every mother-fucking creature, both man and beast, were intended to be vegetarian? What in the flying blue fuck? Are fundamentalist Christians saying that lions, tigers, and bears were designed by God to be herbivores (oh, my)? Asshats like John Witcomb, in his three-cassette series Dinosaurs and Men, believe that the price of Original Sin is not only the expulsion of man from the Garden of Eden, but the introduction into the Earth’s ecosystem “disease-causing microorganism, thorns in plants, and carnivory in animals.” You’ve got to be fucking kidding.
† 1:29-31 Those who in the 21st century believe that humanity has impacted the ecology of the earth to such a degree than the world has been irrevocably damaged by mankind’s actions over the course of the 19th and 20th centuries, have these scriptures to blame. Christians and their GOP Republican lapdogs have asserted this scripture in their defense of the abuse of fossil fuels, the horrifying and repugnant butchery of domesticated animals in brutal slaughterhouses, our wasteful deforestation, and our wanton overpopulation. Christians will deny global warming until our planet can no longer sustain human life. Satan has no doubt that, while mankind will take a large percentage of the planet’s plants and animals with us into mass extinction, the Earth’s ecology will survive in an anemic form. Life will eventually recover in a shape and form as unimaginable to humans as mammalian dominance would be to intelligent dinosaurs. The Earth will no doubt survive our bungling, but it will take millions of years for evolution to recover from the nuclear winter we are bringing to the world. Humanity will prove to be more devastating than any asteroid impact could possibly be.