The World’s Most Offensive Children’s Bible Song
There once was a council of the gods,
Bickering over the universe they would create.
For epoch upon epoch they endlessly bantered,
“Should it be flat? Should it be round?
Should it parade around the sun upon the back of a goat?
Should it be blue? Should it be green?
Should it bob up and down in a bathtub and float?”
Then the Spoiled-Brat God, all of the age of eight,
Snuck out of the study and down to his room,
What did he do, children?
And he saw his chemistry set up on a shelf and said, “Gee, this is great!”
The Spoiled-Brat God went ahead and created the whole world,
All over the course of six very, very, very secret days.
When all of the other gods heard of his arrogance.
What did they do, children?
Oh, the very first Holy Hell, oh boy, did they raise.
But the world was perfect with every animal and bird,
Who can name some animals and birds?
And man prayed to the gods and sang songs of praise.
Osiris chose for his people the fertile Valley of the Nile,
Where pyramids would be built for people to awe and gape.
The Olympians led Alexander to conquer the known world,
While Zeus would drug Hera and to women make his escape.
Why is this, children? That’s right! All women are whores!
Odin, instead chose the far away in the northern ice mountains,
Where his warlike Vikings would burn, pillage, and rape.
Why is this, children? Yes, rape is so very much fun
But for the Spoiled-Brat God, who never answered to his given name,
The pantheon of gods would make sure he got his just dessert,
What happens when you’ve been bad, boys and girls? That’s right!
He should be spanked on his round, supple, delectable little ass.
His people would be enslaved and eleven of his Tribes forever missing,
And for some God-forsaken mystery had become lost for forty years in the desert.
Should the Spoiled-Brat God sit for an hour in the corner chair?
Should the Spoiled-Brat God be spent to his room? Without any supper?
His chosen people would be shunned and spat upon all of their days,
His Promised Land would be the worst, infertile, plot of dirty dirt.
Where, children? That’s right. Israel.